Costco offered a 27-pound bucket of mac and cheese and it sold out quickly. At the same time, the United States has a backlog of processed cheese that could be turned into a wheel as big as the U.S. Capitol.

I have so. many. questions.

I know that a certain food chain’s chicken comes in what they call a bucket, but it’s really just a big paper bowl that holds eight to 16 pieces of perishable, should-be-eaten-within-a-few-days fried chicken. The Costco mac and cheese bucket, though, looks like the kind that holds rock salt or spackle (I hope the mac and cheese has a better consistency) and has a 20-year shelf life.

Unless you’re one of those TV families with more than a dozen children, why would a person want or need this much mac and cheese at once? Also, where do people put all the the buckets and flats of products they buy at warehouse stores? Do they, too, have a warehouse in which to store such things? Who’s going to want almost two-decade old mac and cheese if it takes that long to eat it all? Do some people hate the grocery store that much? “Don’t worry, honey, I’ll go again in 20 years when the mac and cheese expires.”

I like a bargain, and I like mac and cheese, but I just can’t bring myself to: (a) buy that much of anything, no matter how cheap it is; and (b) buy anything in a bucket that resembles the one a panicky family member bought to be the toilet in the “safe room” in case of a terrorist attack back in the early aughts when the powers that be suggested we all “be prepared.” (Her preparedness kit also included cans of Spam and boxes of plastic wrap, which would be used to cover the windows, like that would keep anything really harmful out. Side note: how big a can of Spam can I get now at Costco? Asking for a friend.)

Cheese Americans apparently don’t eat.

The mac and cheese bucket story broke just a few days after another about how America has a glut of processed cheese — 900,000 cubic yards. The abundance of processed cheddar, American, and Swiss — 1.4 billion pounds — arose from milk producers who didn’t realize people weren’t drinking as much, so longer-shelf-life-than-milk cheese was made and here we are. Apparently, people still eat lots o’ mozzarella, but not the aforementioned processed cheeses, hence the backlog.

I’m so confused! How, in a world where Americans are willing to eat mac and cheese out of a bucket — perhaps even 20 years from now, from the same container — but not eat the processed cheddar, American, and Swiss?

If, as stated, the average American eats 37 pounds of cheese a year, assuming they’re not going to eat the entire mac and cheese bucket this year, how can there be such a surplus?

Mozzarella delivery device.

Wait, did I eat that much cheese? Let’s see. Pizza times a zillion, hoagies, cheese and crackers, dips, casseroles… At least I can say I’m doing my part. And I know I am because, unlike many who apparently prefer what they’re calling more exotic cheeses, I eat lots of processed cheddar, American, and some Swiss. (Of course, I shouldn’t be eating that much of ANY cheese, but it’s the American way. I’m being patriotic, people!)

Sure, I eat processed cheeses, but I draw the line at cheese from a bucket or that’s individually wrapped in plastic (singles, strings). That just seems (more) wrong.

If they can’t get rid of all that cheese (the articles discuss tariffs and trade as possible problems with processed, but that is soooo not my area…), and people are eating more exotic cheeses, I suggest they come up with more exotic names for cheddar, American, and Swiss. You know, like in France (as told in Pulp Fiction) how McDonald’s signature sandwich is called Le Big Mac. Yes, it’s the name of the sandwich with le in front of it — I’m grasping at straws here, people, but I think some would go for it.

Or maybe they could just put 27 pounds of cheddar, American, and Swiss in a bucket. I hear that goes over big with the warehouse crowd.

The only other solution: we could simply wrap all the excess cheese around the Capitol, or several other buildings in Washington, since they’re not being used for anything productive anyway, right?

I think this is a gouda time to end this post.